So far, so good!

Three Sundays in a row with the blog post, yay!  Habits take a lot of practice before they actually become a habit.  Right now, it's still a chore....but one that I do reluctantly, partly because the things I really want to write about are too hard to think about.  But conversely, I need to think about them, write about them, and then let them go.  Sometimes it's hard to do what we know is good and right for us.  The path to laziness is MUCH easier, and let's face it, way more fun!  Who wants responsibility?  Not me!

That's where the self-discipline pokes his ugly head in and says, "hey there, psst.....remember me?  There's stuff we need to do".  And so it goes, the constant back and forth of turning a necessary chore into a habit.  Until one day, when I look forward to coming home from work and pouring my day out on paper.

Coffee Date #4,237

Argh.  One more cup of Starbucks with yet another potential mate, and I'm going to go anti-caffeine.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to actually have possibilities, albeit they never really live up to their online dating profile.  Or is it that dating has changed so much since I've had to really do it, that I'm stuck in the last century?

Either way, the process is, to say the least, EXCRUCIATING for me!  And from what I've read and heard, pretty much the same for everyone else at this stage of life, trying to find someone to share some time with.

Why do we make it so hard on ourselves?  The list of "dealbreakers" becomes longer with each date we meet, and then discard for one reason or another.  I don't want to be so jaded at this age that I forget the whole reason is to have fun, and not check items off a list.

So I'm hoping there will be a coffee date #4,238....because you never know, he just might be the one.

New Year's Resolution....check!

So for my New Year's Resolution, I want to spend more time here with the blog, writing at least 3 - 4 times a week...I  have had tons of ideas lately and I've thought "that would make a good blog post"...well, here I am.  Now let's see if I can remember those!  

I've always wanted to write, from as far back as I can remember.  I'm a voracious reader, thanks to my sweet Mother, who read to me endlessly until I learned to read myself.  I don't have a great idea for a novel, or even a short story, so it seems blog posts are going to be my forte.  And believe me, I can talk about ANYTHING, given the right company and just enough wine.  

Writing is also cathartic, it gives me the freedom to say things I may not otherwise put voice to.  

This is the first New Year's where I actually feel like I CAN keep a resolution.....I'm going into 2017 with a completely new outlook.  I truly feel like I have left old baggage in last year, and it's a fresh, new start.  

So let's see what the New Year brings.....stay tuned for the craziness.  

Fifty-one.

Fifty-one.  

After two marriages of my own (one early and brief and one later and much longer), I have arrived at the age at which my Mother was widowed.  At the time, I was sixteen and losing my Father was a heartbreak that remains matchless in its intensity.  Being single at the same age which she was a new widow, literally being on her own for the first time (my Mother, as did many women in that era, married and left the comfort of her parent’s house, going straight to housekeeping with her new husband), has given me pause to think about how it affected her.  I lost my Mother almost three years ago, so I can’t ask her what it was like to have her world turned upside down in a split second.  I’m not sure, even if she were alive, that she could have answered my question – she was not given to talking about such things.  Ever.  Growing up, the one thing we didn’t do was talk about the important things – the “ostrich syndrome”, as I call it.  Don’t talk about the bad, hard, emotional things and they don’t exist.  My daughter is like her Nanny, in that way.  I, however, will tell my life story to anyone who asks.  Or even if they don’t ask, sometimes. 

I was without a Father and on the verge of long-awaited independence, and she was bereft of the husband and partner she had relied on for 22 years, living in a state of unwanted independence.  Consequently, my Mother and I grew up together.  We both learned to drive a car, balance a checkbook, fix a broken furnace, and navigate the uncharted waters of our new lives.  She persevered, and began to carve out a life for herself that she enjoyed.  Mom relished her newfound independence until her death at age 83, and never took anything for granted.  She never remarried, but she always enjoyed the company of her church family, her friends, and neighbors.  She loved to have lunch with the other ladies who retired from the same company she had worked for, and catch up on the gossip.  She drove to visit her brother and his wife regularly.  She got to spend time with her only granddaughter and three great-grandchildren, and the pictures I have of them are priceless to me now. 

It’s hard for me to imagine how difficult it must have been for Mom at this age, because I am in a very different place at 51 – living on my own for the last 5 and a half years has taught me well.  I have had life experiences that she never got the opportunity to have.  I can’t compare my life and hers at the same age – times, and people, are very different now, 35 years later.   But, like her, I don’t take any second for granted, and I am grateful for every experience and everyone who has accompanied me on the journey this far.   I am proud to walk in my Mother’s footsteps.  

Taking a leap of faith

Introducing.....ME! This is a blog about things I know best, and things that are still a work in progress. It's another check off my bucket list. It's cathartic, therapeutic, and thought-provoking. Hopefully, it will be a source of laughter, empathy, and familiarity to those of you who will read it. Sometimes my posts will be funny, sometimes serious, and probably more often than not, they will be a mixture of both. It will NOT contain politics, religion, or any other topic that would disparage, judge, or demean anyone. This is meant to be my creative outlet, not my soapbox, and ultimately is an exercise in my own self-confidence - after all, I'm putting my thoughts out there for all the world's opinion!

First of all, a little about me: I'm an only daughter, mother to one, grandmother to three, wife to none (although I do have a boyfriend of 2 years whom I adore!). Single, 47 but feel more like 25, and just like everyone else, trying to find my way in this carousel we call life. About a year ago I took up scuba diving, which will no doubt leave me with lots of blogging material, since that in itself was a leap of faith to overcome fear!

Two years ago, I left everything that was familiar to me and moved to a new job and new city, in hopes that somewhere along that journey I'd find myself in the process. So far, so good.....it is definitely a process, though! It's a move that I'd been thinking of making for a long time before I took any action, and as my Mother used to say "all good things come in their own time". It's a move that I will never regret, but would definitely have regretted NOT making.

So I'll start out the first entry with my word of the day:

ALONE

At first glance, how many of us look at that word with fear? Too many of us. Alone doesn't mean lonely....in some cases, alone can be good or it can be bad, but it is always necessary to our well-being. Being alone recharges our batteries, helps us to rest, and in the ideal situation, helps bring us closer to realizing our own wants and needs from life.

I first started thinking about that word a few days ago, when a health concern has prompted me to step back and reevaluate my current situation. I have a great part time job, but no health insurance. The part time job should have turned into full time by now, but has not so I'm looking for alternate ways to supplement my income either with another part time job, or by finding a different full time job with benefits. For the record, I LOVE my job now, but part time with no benefits can only sustain a girl with a shoe and purse habit for so long!

So what happens to a single girl who gets sick, with an elderly mother, a daughter with three children of her own, and a best friend who lives three hours away? Who do I rely on, when I've always been guardian and protector of the family and everyone else has always relied on ME? In that context, ALONE is very scary, and has cost me more than one sleepless night. I'm not talking about lie-on-the-couch-and-whine-for-soup sick, we've all been there. I'm talking about being ill and needing someone familiar to be a comfort on a daily basis. Ooh, NEED...now that's a scary word as well! And probably another blog topic somewhere down the line, knowing me!

I still haven't figured out the solution, and hope I never will need to find one. But in the meantime, it's given me yet a different path of thought to be taken on my journey toward self-discovery.